I have been dealing with a lot of shit over the past few months.  It has draged me down to the point that for the first time in years my depression was so bad I wished for death.  I know no man is worth that, but it was the toll that it put on my mental status.  I have been able to think about him without wanting to cry.  I remember instances where he would get a phone call that caused him to be angry and he would have to leave for some reason (figuring now it was his wife that he wasn't divorcing... cad) and he would always tell me that he loved me before he left.  I have come to grips with the fact that he did love me, but he wasn't going to do what he said because he is a habitual liar and when you have an old lady who pays your way why not have your cake and eat it to?  So, Don, thank you for loving me and making me feel loved.  I don't know if it was at all false, but hey I am taking something good out of all this, plus the sex was really great.  You made me believe a lot of lies, so I have to give it to you... you are brilliant but you should really use it to help instead of hurt.  So, Don, I forgive you.  You are an ass, but I do forgive you and I hope you have a good life.  I hope you get better.  However, from this moment on I will stop thinking about you, but I know that you will remember me for the rest of your life, but I promise I will forget you sooner than you will forget me.  

So, it's been almost two months before my life came crashing around my ears.  No, that's to dramatic.  Before reality hit me in the face.  I should have notice the signs more clearly, but hell when they say love is blind we need to get that damn emotion a seeing eye dog.  Any who, I am on the mend.  At least trying to be, but I am thinking now that it would be best for men just to stay away from me.  I am bad news.  I fuck up everything I touch.  I just want the person that got hurt in all of this know that I am sorry.  I never thought he was lying to me... us.  We believed him all his lies and we gave him power, but we also took it away.  Yes, it has been taken away.  Everything he told me, everything he made me believe was all lies, and I dont know where truth is around me.  I am doubting everyone... everyone.  I have a friend who is trying to help me.  I must not fall for him, and he must not fall for me.  I feel he needs to find someone better.  I have to much bagage, and I dont mean children.  I am working through my pain, but it's my self loathing that is hindering my progress.  I am such a fool.  I should have known better.  I should have known it wasnt real the first time he spoke of loving me.  I should have known.

One more time i will try

To bend to the will of the gods.

One more time I will be

Who I think I really am.

Yet, if within these moments

Between darkness and light

I find out that I can do nothing

To change the out come of my life,

I will not willingly give into the abyss.

Just one more time I will fight

Even though its not in my nature to quit.

Just one more time I will believe

That everything happens for a reason.

However, if that perseption

Is cast into the fires of reality

I will allow it to burn,

And find a new way of making magick

Mixed with a new way of thinking.

One more time I will love

Even though I know there will be pain.

One more time I will give my heart,

Whats left of it anyway.

But, if my heart is broken again

As it's being cast aside,

Turned away from

Because it's not what that person wants

I will mend.

Just one more time I will walk

With my chin held high.

Just one more time I will give everything

Even if I do not recieve. 

What doesnt kill us only makes us stronger.  Right?  I dont know.  Today I was thinking about what has happened to me in my life, and I realized that life sucks.  However, I know that I am still standing.  I still have the support of my family and friends, and the love of my children.  Sometimes, in our struggle to make our lives better we miss the signs that the gods give us that warns against a paticular action.  Hell, I knew the guy that I was with was lying to me.  I didnt really feel it, but I did a tarot reading on him, and the signs were pointing to it.  I ignored them because I felt I was trying to find the bad in it, and sabatoging myself in the process.  Like I am good at doing.  We've all been there.  I remember most of my readings, and it was practically yelling at me.  I am so afraid that what I want I cant have...in this case that was true, but I fear I will fuck it up.  This time it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with a lying dirtball.  I just want happiness for my sons and I.  I hope I have learned something from this and that maybe the next opportunity I have will be a real one, and I wont screw it up.

I hope he remembers my face when he saw me.

I hope the look in my eyes haunts him.

I hope that he thinks of me everyday.

I hope it causes him pain.

I hope that he knows I do love him.

I hope his betrayal eats at him.

I hope that he gets all that he wants.

I hope it costs a heavy price.

I hope his word is worth nothing.

I hope others will see through his lies.

I hope he is happy.

I hope that it's a mask.

I hope she watches him like a hawk.

I hope he never gains his freedom.

I hope that he never finds his way.

I hope he stays lost.

I hope that he reads this.

I hope he is appalled.

I hope he knows that I would have done anything for him.

I hope he knows that now I never will.

I hope he knows he's lost everything.

I hope he knows he's nothing.

I hope he knows...I hope he knows.